Week 24 | Oct 12-18
Previously on the vanlife adventure hour:
At the Albuquerque balloon festival I saw hundreds of balloons take off and fill the sky with color.
After getting our fill of flights of fancy, my friend Tracie headed home and I headed west. Until my van broke down, and I followed suit.
I spent a couple days in Flagstaff AZ before limping towards Las Vegas where I hope to get it fixed on Monday.
In the meantime I'm parked for the weekend at a casino in Laughlin, NV.
Which is where we join our intrepid but beleaguered adventurer.
Sunday, October 12. Day 161
“I apologize”
Laughlin, NV
On the border of NV, AZ, and CA.
The week is off to an inauspicious start. I’m parked at a casino in Laughlin, NV for the weekend. Biding my time until I head to Las Vegas tomorrow, and trying not to drive any more than absolutely necessary.
In LV there's a truck repair depot that can accommodate the oversized van.
I didn’t do much today. Took a walk down by the river, sat by the hotel pool, caught up with friends back home. And sharing the news that I’ll be coming home early to give a presentation at a photography show in Philly.
I made dinner in the van, and in the evening I went back to the casino lounge I was at last night to listen to the band again.
I was in a sour mood, the band and the music picked me up.
Daily listen: ‘Mother Mother’, Tracy Bonham
Good: I made all my meals in the van today and didn’t buy anything. The only
money I spent all day was tipping the band.
Unexpected: Spending two nights in a casino parking lot, again!
Bad: In the evening I had a text conversation that managed the tremendous feat of making me feel worse. It was an apology 6 months overdue that wasn’t actually an apology at all. However, what it lacked in remorse or acknowledgement of fault, it made up for with deflection, playing victim, and trivializing. After a brief exchange I needed to step away. I left my phone in the van and took a long walk along the main road.
Passing by the sad carcasses of abandoned casinos that seemed to reflect my mood.
My head was swimming with all of the things I wanted to say; some were clever, some were biting, but I knew none of them would change the direction of the conversation. When I got back I had settled on saying the only thing that mattered, “I deserve better than this.”
The reply was quick, “I agree. That’s why I apologized.”
Gaslighting.
She hadn’t apologized. Not in any of the ways that make an apology meaningful.
It barely checked the box for saying the word 'apologize.'
Once you know the patterns and what to listen for, the misdirects are apparent. Like watching sleight of hand when you know how the trick is done.
And that was it. The exchange was brief, but so much was said in the spaces where nothing was said;
- This wasn’t important enough [for her] to reach out any time in the last 6 months.
- She's only doing it now because I said something.
- It’s more important not to be wrong than it is to be caring or understanding.
I have been debating putting this in the blog - airing my grievances like this. But this blog has been about sharing my journey- That’s not just the literal journey but emotional and mental as well.
I’ve also talked a lot here about trying to be a better person. To that end I was pretty proud that I didn’t lash out. I wasn’t mean or snarky, I didn’t get defensive. And most of all I didn't fall for the bait. I just knew my self worth and refused to take someone’s bullshit. That’s real progress for me.
Another reason for sharing this is that I think (and have been told) that this blog has been inspiring to some people. I hope that sharing this here can help others look out for and identify patterns of mistreatment in their own lives, and maybe find the strength and self worth to stand up for themselves.
Unsurprisingly, I didn't take any pictures this day. So we'll jump right to Monday!
Monday, October 13, Day 162
Rollercoaster
Las Vegas
I aspired to wake up at 6am to get on the road early to Vegas and the repair shop. Instead I woke up at 7:30 and left at 8.
The drive was 100 miles and it took 3 hours, stopping every 30 miles or so to let the engine cool down and top off the coolant.
In Vegas the shop looked the van over and determined there was a fixable coolant leak. And the supposedly damaged exhaust manifold didn’t show any signs of malfunction or leaking. The coolant leak is repairable in a day. They ordered the parts and I’ll bring the van back tomorrow for the work. That was a LOT of build up for what will be a relatively easy fix!
Now I’m reassessing my plans again!
I got a spot at a nearby RV park for the night. Mostly so I can dump and refill the RV, and have a nice shower. I was also hoping for wifi to update the blog, but their wifi sucks.
There’s a pool area with a hot tub and I had a little soak. This is almost luxurious. I'm on my way to unclenching from a week of stress and uncertainty!
The last 5 days have been a real emotional rollercoaster. For a short time on Friday I thought the van was dead and my trip was coming to an end. Then today I find out it’s not as bad as expected, but still very expensive.
It’s been a lot.
In the movie Parenthood with Steve Martin, someone tells him how life is a rollercoaster or a merry go round. Which one do you want to ride?
I chose the rollercoaster, I always choose the rollercoaster.
Daily Listen: ‘Tron Legacy’ soundtrack by Daft Punk. An instance where the album was better than the movie.
When I thought I was going to have a week to kill in LV I was planning to see the new Tron movie. I didn’t get to it, and by all accounts I didn’t miss anything.
Good: My overwhelming sense of relief that the van doesn’t need a $4500 repair! (Merely needed a $2100 repair, but I’ll take the W.)
Bad: While checking the coolant at one of the stops I dropped the cap down into the engine! I could see it, way down there.
I got breakfast and sat for 45 minutes while the engine cooled enough for me to stick my arm down there!
Also, the McD’s breakfast sandwich was $7?! WTF Ronald?
Unexpected: The San Diego regional burning man is back in the table! I had already come to terms with not going. Now I can! I’m hoping to start driving down tomorrow after the repair work is done.
Rollercoaster.
Tuesday, October 14. Day 163
Leaving Las Vegas
Last week I mentioned having several days to kill before heading to the San Diego regional burn. All of the van stuff was not what I had in mind!
But now it’s fixed! Kinda. Mostly. I hope.
While the shop worked on the van I took a long walk over to Panera bread to chill for the morning. The repairs took less time than expected and I called an uber back to the shop.
In the evening I got on the road towards San Diego. I’ll cover a few hours driving tonight and the rest tomorrow.
I’m so excited to be able to go and almost equally as happy not to be spending a whole week in Las Vegas.
On the way out of town I realized there are more lawyer billboards in Vegas than all the other billboard put together.
I drove for several hours. Most of it on a dark, unassuming 2 lane road.
Right around the time I wanted to stop for the night I ended up at a crossroads. It was the first intersection in almost 2 hours. There were 2 gas stations on opposing corners and large swaths of empty land all around with big-rigs pulled off to the side for the night. In the pitch black, I found an empty spot and parked. I got out to look around, but the only thing I could see were the stars.
Daily Listen: Sheryl Crow, ‘I’m leaving Las Vegas’
Good: Checked three things off my to do list today; sent in photos for next week’s photography workshop, wrote the class description for my presentation next month, and mailed a bunch of postcards. Go me!
Bad: The long uninterrupted stretch of winding two lane road I’m driving late at night is filled with long-haul truckers. One truck was riding my ass for a long while. There was no place to pass and he was so close I couldn’t even slow down to pull off on the shoulder and let him pass. Eventually he was able to pass, and then passed another truck in front of me in a dangerous fashion.
Unexpected: I’m still in awe that things with the van worked out better than expected.
I still have an underlying anxiety worrying if they missed something and I’ll break down in the middle of nowhere.
(Note from the future, it did not.)
PS, crappy night sky photos were taken with my phone
Wednesday, October 15. Day 164
A desert utopia
SoCal
Driving mostly on a two-lane road through the southern California desert. Endless undulating hills. Reminds me of the ending to One Battle After Another. *(worth watching, now streaming on MAX, fyi.)
The scenery is beautiful, in a barren, desolate kind of way.
Late in the morning I stopped at a diner in a small crossroads town to photograph old trucks. A man finishing breakfast came out and we chatted briefly. He is a pastor that’s lived there for most of his life. It was a pleasant conversation, but superficial enough that I can’t remember much of it.
A lot of the morning was driving on long two lane roads in the middle of nowhere.
I did pass through Imperial Dunes Recreation Area. It is a SoCal version of Great Sand Dunes National Park I visited in southern Colorado. Which I went to in June right after the Colorado regional burn was cancelled. It was an odd parallel.
I stopped at the Dunes briefly, to take it in and take pictures. If I go back to this regional burn I'm going to build in time to visit the Dunes again.
I arrived at the the burn in the early afternoon and checked in. Found a spot among other RVs to park, it was close enough to main camp to be convenient but far enough to be mostly quiet.
The event is called ‘YOUtopia’, the San Diego regional burn.
If you’re not familiar with all this, 'burners' and the 'big burn' is from Burning Man, an annual week-long bohemian festival in the Nevada desert outside Reno that welcomes 100,000 people. The event and culture are based around 10 principles, such as: total inclusion, community, participation, self expression, self reliance, decommodification (no money is exchanged during the event), and leave no trace.
Not specifically one of the principles, but art is a major part of the events that is woven throughout the experience. Art in all forms: interactive, abstract, auditory, experiential, and much more.
This is all a great simplification, but gives the gist.
Regional Burns like YOUtopia are smaller local events that take place throughout the year, put on by local groups. Each one has its own identity and vibe, but all within the umbrella of “Burner Culture” and the 10 principles. The size of regional burns range from a few hundred to a couple thousand. I think YOUtopia was on the smaller side with somewhere around 1000 attendees.
At the event I wandered around parts of camp to get a sense of what was there. People were arriving and setting up their camps. A lot of the event and art had been set up over the prior few days and people were already getting in the groove. At night I found a camp that had some music going and people mingling.
One of the examples of interactive ‘art’ was a woman operating a “minibar.” She was making miniature versions of cocktails. Asking people ‘if you could have any drink you want, what would it be?’ And then making that drink for them in tiny form. Everything about the bar was in miniature and it was amazing performative art that we could also imbibe!
After hanging out for a bit I wandered around camp and checked out more of interactive art pieces. There was a giant lamp on top of a hill that played music and changed colors. And an immersive experience where you lay down while lights, music and thrumming bass vibrations take you on an auditory and visual journey.
Daily listen: Nina Simone, 'Sinnerman'
No particular reason, other than it came up on my playlist while driving and I listened to all 10 minutes of it, twice.
Also put on the Eagles essentials again, y’know rolling down a desert highway in California.
Good: After barely half of a day at the burn, it’s already great! I’ve met a bunch of people, had fun conversations, and saw (& experienced!) very creative art!
Bad: It gets dark at 6:30, and very cold by 9pm. My headlamp battery (finally) died and I can’t find the charger.
Unexpected: Imperial Dunes Recreation Area was beautiful. I wish I had more time to explore there. Maybe next year.
Thursday, October 16. Day 165
Feeding the extrovert
YOUtopia
Slept in a bit this morning. Over most of the trip, as soon as the sun comes up the van starts to broil. But it was so cold overnight that the morning sun warming the van was nice. For a little while.
Really took my time getting going this morning. Turned on the generator to cook breakfast and took the opportunity to cook some stuff for dinners as well - which I refer to as ‘proactive leftovers.’
Cut my hair, which was way overdue. Took a shower, which was also overdue.
And finally around 2p started checking out camp. Seeing how the art camps were coming along, meeting people on the paths, or at camps, and having lots of little interesting interactions.
I walked around with the 35mm film camera and took some pics. Though not as many as I expected.
People are still rolling in, there will be more going on tomorrow.
My neighbor invited me over for afternoon cocktails. I had a martini with some of my RV neighbors.
One of the camps was making pizza (principles: community, gifting, participation, decommodification). We went over and had a few bites to eat.
I met an unusual woman (a big statement at an event consisting entirely of unusual people) named Laura and spent a good portion of the evening exploring the art camps and chatting with her.
Later in the evening as I was getting cold I retreated to my van for a warm nap. Afterwards I wanted to get up and go back out for the nighttime activities but it was sooo warm and comfortable in the bed! It took all of my willpower but I finally mustered the strength to go back out!
Wandered and chatted for a few more hours. Conversations were easy, people were welcoming and interested in talking. I met a young couple at the Lamp on the Hill and chatted for a while. I gave the young woman a brief photography lesson (which she asked for), and got to see her have a small epiphany about it! I ran into them many more times and it was nice to have new friends.
One of the common questions throughout the night was, 'have you been to YOUtopia before' or have you been to other events. People were surprised to find out it was my first YOUtopia and only my second ever burner event. They commented that I seemed experienced.
I've been to other “burner-adjacent” type events over the years. So maybe I am a little experienced?
But it’s also a matter of moving through the space with confidence and comfort. Something I usually have in abundance.
Later in the night I met a Sunshine and Bella, who had just arrived at camp. They were looking for a specific camp, that I had found earlier in the day. I decided instead of trying to give them directions to the other side of camp in the dark, I'd just show them the way myself. We chatted and I learned this was their first event. Not just first burn, but first festival. I welcomed them as much as I could being a relative newbie myself.
Over the course of the weekend we ran into each other a few more times, like seeing old friends!
Good: Everything really clicked today. I didn’t have expectations or intentions, just wanted to feel the space. It was very welcoming.
Bad: It was freezing cold overnight! I pulled out the extra extra blanket!
Unexpected: This morning I had a hot shower at a burner event! There are semi-private outdoor shower stalls with hot water! I was all prepared to take cramped showers in the van.
Friday, October 17. Day 166
I love lamp
YOUtopia San Diego regional burn
This morning I found an even closer shower!
One of the theme camps made boba tea all 4 days. I went over every day and had my fill of mango tea with a dash of coconut milk tea. Then hung out in the shade and chatted.
Another camp made smashburgers for everyone! The line was long, but I got to meet and chat with several people. And the burger was delicious!
At night I ran into the folks from the boba tea camp and they invited me to join them hanging out. We surreptitiously found Molly’s Mini Bar again and sat having drinks for a while. I had probably 5 or 6 different mini cocktails! Molly put her full effort into every drink, even though they were < 1oz each. It was like watching an artist paint. Plus there were lots of ‘small’ puns. Getting to sample lots of tiny drinks I found a few new ones I liked. In particular a whisky sour. But only with real egg. Molly used a tiny quail egg for that drink. Her commitment to the bit was amazing.
There’s an art installation on the top of a hill that looks like a giant table lamp. It plays music with a synchronized light show. There was a scheduled meeting for people to show up at 11 dressed like moths and flit around the lamp. It was beautifully bizarre!
Good: I set up my tripod and photographed fire spinning. There’s a photo process I learned and wanted to try - photographing fire spinners, using the flash to ‘freeze’ the person but with a longer exposure to also get movement in the fire. It took some trial and error but I think I did alright for my first try. And I learned what to do differently next time.
Bad: There was an incredible band playing at one of the camps, but I only got there for the final song! Because I was busy photographing the fire!
Unexpected: The rheumatic hip pain flare up I’ve had for almost 2 months I noticed today seems mostly gone.
(Note from 2 months in the future, it's back)
Saturday, October 18. Day 167
Come Together
YOUtopia
It was very cold overnight. The van warmed up at sunrise and I slept in a bit, appreciating the warmth. Well into the morning I got up and enjoyed another long, hot shower in the bath house nearby. This is an upscale burner event! (Just the showers, 'upscale' is a low bar!)
I walked around the camp to check out the art installations and new theme camps, many of them only finished today and to be packed back up tomorrow!
At one theme camp I got a "shitty caricature", which was fun. At another they were making breakfast quesadillas.
Since gifting and community is a thing, before arriving on Wednesday I had stopped at a Costco and picked up a bunch of fresh fruit. I walked around giving that out.
In the afternoon I stopped at a Rosé party. Going against my extrovert ways, I parked myself in a chair and let people come to me. The young couple from the first night came by and hung out, along with others that I'd crossed paths with over the last few days. Later I went back to the boba camp and got more tea. At this point they all greeted me like an old friend.
Being so late in the year, the sun was setting very early, and caught me off guard every time. It was odd because there was a gap between when it got dark out, and when things livened up at camp. I used this down time to have dinner and a nap. Getting up refreshed and ready to tackle the night.
Daily Listen: In the evening I went to see an eight piece Beetles cover band. This seemed like an oddly mainstream choice for a bohemian festival, but they killed it. After starting 90 minutes late, they finally got going and it was amazing.
‘Come Together’ hit home.
During ‘I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends’ everyone in the crowd put their arms around their neighbors and swayed to the music.
By the time they got to 'I am the Walrus', I understood why The Beetles was a good choice for this crowd.
‘Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds’ was properly trippy. After the lyric 'she has kaleidoscope eyes', a guy next to me handed me kaleidoscope glasses that made everything extra trippy.
The big closing piece was A Day in the Life, which was amazing. Then as an encore they did an a cappella version of ‘Let it Be’ and invited the audience to sing along.
I don’t think I ever appreciated or recognized how broad the Beatles talent and style was. Listening to a mixed block of their music I got to appreciate their wide range, from rockabilly/country to pop, to rock, to psychedelic.
On the drive out on Sunday I listened to a Beetles playlist, but it didn't have quite the same punch.
Good: After the show, I ran into Sunshine and Bella, who I'd met Thursday night. We'd been crossing paths all weekend. After the show we fell in together and hung out for the rest of the evening. Wandering from camp to camp, checking out different DJs and scenes. Dancing, chillin’, the three of us walking arm-in-arm. It was really nice. A little past midnight we were all pretty much done. We said our good nights and goodbyes, and exchanged socials.
Bad: The awning on the van has been sticking and not retracting properly. It wasn’t retracting at all this evening, and I was getting concerned about being able to drive out in the morning! After trying many times over several hours it eventually did retract. But I think I can’t deploy it anymore, or risk it really getting stuck.
Unexpected: The band closed out their set with an amazing rendition of “a day in the life“, and as I am totally getting into the song and feeling it, somebody walks by with a silver platter of fancy hot dogs and offers me one! It was so absolutely random and out of place, yet also perfect for that moment and delicious!
But utterly surreal.
Looking to next week
I head back to Vegas for a week-long photography workshop. This is another of my 'anchor destinations', one I've been looking forward to all summer. It's also been feeling like the unofficial finale of my trip, as I don't have any more specific plans following the workshop.
